Taxi girl
Chapter Three
The next day, Tania headed to the Windy City Cab barn at 7:17 a.m.
Billy Miller can go fuck himself. Do I look like a handyman? Am I wearing a tool belt?
She got in her cab.
Hey, eighty-four dollars ain’t bad for three hours’ work. Bring a hammer, get a nail and hang the fucking clock on a wall.
Tania sat in the taxi line at O’Hare Airport; she knitted while waiting for her cab number to be called.
Remember what Shakespeare said:
“All the world’s a stage.
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.”
Tania walked into the City Theater lobby at six o’clock. She picked up the biohazard symbol wall clock from the box office and carried it to the restroom area. She spoke aloud as she hammered a nail into the wall above the drinking fountain in between the men’s and women’s rooms.
“Ladies and gentlemen, at this evening’s performance, the part of the handyman is being played by Tania Wildman.” She hung the clock on the nail, stepped back, clapped and cheered.
“Bravo. Bravo. What a performance!”
Next, Tania set up the coat check station. She spoke aloud as she put on her goggles, fingerless gloves and elastic bandage.
“The actor prepares.”
She lowered her head, closed her eyes, pressed her right thumb pad into her corresponding temple and splayed her remaining fingers on her forehead.
“I’m a postapocalyptic coat check girl.” She raised her head and took her hand away. “Yes, indeed, all the world’s a stage.”
At the end of the evening, Tania counted her tips.
Ninety bucks. Who says there’s no money in theater?
Tania stepped out of the lobby and onto Lincoln Avenue. The driver of a white Cadillac Eldorado beeped his horn and lowered the passenger window.
“Hey, foxy lady.”
It was Charlie.
“Are you lookin’ for Billy?” she asked.
“No, I’m lookin’ for you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, I’ll drive you home.”
“No thanks.”
She started walking east; the car followed.
“It’s cold out there and warm in here,” declared Charlie.
“Uh-huh.”
She turned toward the entrance to the Cenacle all-night coffee shop and called out over her shoulder.
“Goodnight, Charlie.”
Tania entered the restaurant.
Now what? Order something to go, and by the time it gets here, he’ll be gone.
She picked up a menu and stood by the cash register.
Charlie walked in the door.
“Let me buy you dinner.”
Tania ordered a vegetable omelet, soft, with home fries and no bread; Charlie went for the Hungry Man’s Double Meat Combo and buttermilk pancakes.
Tania forked a potato wedge. “My ex-husband and I moved here from Minneapolis when he got a job at the Bar Association.”
Charlie put a sausage link in his mouth. “I grew up in Lake Forest. My parents weren’t around much. I had a nanny; then I went to prep school,” he said.
Tania took a sip of water. “I only drive in the daytime. I take people to work and bring them home,” she said as she set the glass down on the table. “I didn’t want to work for somebody who was dumber than me.”
“I don’t work at all,” said Charlie.
Tania and Charlie got up from the table.
“It’s not improv; it’s surrealistic comedy. There’s a big difference,” she said.
“Can I drive you home?” he asked.
“Sure.”
They got in the Eldorado.
Charlie pulled the car up to the curb in front of Tania’s apartment building.
“I felt a connection the moment we met,” he said. “It’s not easy for me to trust women; my nanny took care of that.”
Okay, I’ll bite, thought Tania.
“How’d she do that?”
“She emasculated me, told me over and over that my penis was too small.”
“Is it?”
“If I show it to you, will you promise not to laugh?”
“Sure,” answered Tania.
Charlie unzipped his pants and pulled it out.
“I’m not a specialist, but it looks fine to me,” said Tania.
“Yeah, but it’s not hard.”
“Okay, make it hard, and I’ll give you my opinion, but hurry up. It’s really late.”
Charlie beat himself off until he was about to cum.
“I’ve seen bigger; I’ve seen smaller,” said Tania.
She leaned forward in her seat.
“Okaaay, that’s it. I’ve had enough.”
She opened the door of the Eldorado.
Charlie’s penis deflated.
“Can I come up to your apartment? Will you tie me to your radiator?”
“No,” said Tania.
She slammed the car door.
The next night, Tania arrived at the theater at 6:45. She set up the coat check station, put on her costume and got into character. The doors opened at 7:30. Charlie came into the lobby and headed over to her.
“Listen, about last night,” he said.
Billy Miller arrived on the scene.
“YOU LISTEN,” said Tania.
“You have a phone call in my office, Tania,” said Billy.
“I do?”
“YES, TANIA, YOU DO.”
She headed to the office. On the desk was a photo of a young girl, some papers and a phone with its receiver in the cradle.
Tania returned to the lobby. Charlie was gone; Billy was waiting for her.
“He pulled the nanny routine on you, right?”
“How did you know?”
“I knew he would the night he met you.”
“Well, you could have warned me.”
“You’re right; I should have, but I didn’t, and for that, I’m sorry.”
“Well, I drew the line at tying him to my radiator.”
There was silence. Then they looked at each other and laughed.
Sunday’s show was a matinee; Tania closed up the coat check at 5:15 and headed home. She passed the Cenacle restaurant. Billy Miller was sitting in a window booth. He looked up and signaled her to come in. She shook her head; he beckoned her again.
Tania entered the Cenacle and sat down opposite Miller.
“Well, here we are,” he said.
“Are you about to tell me if I don’t have sex with you, you’re gonna fire me?”
“No, I’m asking you if you want something to eat.”
She picked up a menu from the metal holder on the table, opened it, then closed it and set it back in the holder.
“I’ll have a vegetable omelet, soft, with home fries and no bread.”
Billy signaled a waitress.
“The lady will have a vegetable omelet, soft, with home fries and no bread. Anything to drink?”
“Just water.”
The waitress left the table.
“And I don’t just drive a cab. I do theater too. Surrealistic comedy.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“It’s not improv; there’s a big difference.”
“Yes, there is.”
Tania ate her omelet. Billy drank coffee.
“Who’s the girl in the picture on the desk in your office?”
“That’s my daughter, Celine. She lives in Baltimore with my soon-to-be ex-wife.”
“How soon to be?”
“Very soon to be.”
“Hmm.”
That’s what they all say. Tania forked a potato wedge.
“Why are you getting divorced?”
“My wife accused me of having an affair with her understudy.”
“Is your wife’s name Margo Channing? Cuz that sounds a lot like
All About Eve.”
“It was like All About Eve.”
Billy asked the waitress for the check.
“Were you having an affair with the understudy?”
“No, but I’d like to have an affair with you.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“I have to pee,” said Tania.
She got up.
Tania sat on the toilet in the restaurant’s ladies’ room.
I feel tingly all over . . . It’s like I’ve been carbonated . . .WAIT . . . What if he’s saying he wants to have an affair so he can fuck you once and dump you? Why would he do that? Maybe he’s a . . .
Tania sat back down opposite Billy Miller.
“Are you a Footlights Philanderer?”
“A what?”
“You know . . . an Off-Loop Lothario . . . a Casting Couch Casanova . . . a Run of the Show Romeo . . . a womanizing piece of shit.”
“No, Tania, I’m not a Footlights Philanderer.”
“As if you would tell me if you were!”
Tania lowered her head and stared at the table.
Remember what Anonymous said: Fear is temporary. Regret is forever.
She looked up.
“Let’s go,” said Billy.
“Okay,” said Tania.
They got up from the table and left the restaurant.
